What I Will Miss

This evening I enjoyed the lovely late summer evening with my family, picnicking in our sizable yard. The nephews charmed us with their usual bag of cute tricks and we enjoyed watching Joseph stuff grapes in his dirt covered mouth. We ate and talked and laughed at old dumb jokes that no one else would get (it's a Dueck thing...), and afterward dived into dishes and house cleaning with a vigour that would put the Fly Lady to shame (well, maybe except Joel, but the entertainment he provided was helpful, nevertheless). With Lang Lang blaring full blast on the Bose, Gracie and I plunged elbow deep into soap suds and finished cleaning the kitchen in our own special way.

I realized afresh all the things that I will miss while I'm in Germany. I will miss dinner conversations (such as the other day, Gracie was trying to tell us that she had applied for a job somewhere and needed someone to drive her to the location to talk to someone and Joel briefly interjected: "excuse me, but when we are finished with this topic I have something to say about smells."). I will miss having my morning coffee in my bed while I check my e-mail. I will miss the familiarity of home, the comfort of family, the sights and sounds of Robbinsdale, Minnesota.

In short, I've never had such a hard time thinking about leaving home. I've been more sentimental the past few weeks than I ever have been in my life. Maybe it's because this time I will be in a different continent. Maybe because it is for six solid months, with no coming home or seeing familiar people in between.

Mostly though, I think it is because in this past year of being home I've deepened many of my relationships here, strengthened my ties, and I know that I've reached a stage when life can change drastically from year to year, even from month to month (who would have thought I'd be going to Germany??). It's easy to panic with all the change happening around me, to grasp for some sort of predictable "normalness". Many, many times lately I've found myself thinking and wanting to yell out Anne Shirley's words, "why do we all have to grow up and get married?"

But as often as I think that I want life to be more predictable I know it's a ridiculous expectation. More than that, I know that I would hate having a "normal", predictable life. God is faithful to remind me that every phase of life He has led me through, though surprising and unexpected, has been good and that my future, though entirely unknown, is in good hands.

I will miss hanging out in Dave's room while he plays soundtrack scores for me. I will miss popping up to John and Liz's apartment to say hi or borrow some eggs. I will miss laughing at Joel's dumb jokes. I will miss watching old Get Smart episodes with my little sisters.

But, at the same time I know that new adventures await me, that where God is leading holds treasures beyond my comprehension. Embracing this new phase of life does not mean forgetting what I leave behind, nay, as C.S. Lewis writes in Out of the Silent Planet, "no pleasure is complete until it is remembered."

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I am learning to embrace change as it happens. I am learning to enjoy being uncertain. I am learning to savour the small things that are easy to take for granted. I am learning that it is okay to hate leaving home and at the same time be excited about going somewhere new. I am learning that the most delightful place to be is where God wants me.

And I know that I am going to have an amazing experience in Germany.

And I will miss many things.


My nephews, Joseph and Connor, who are going to grow up way too fast while I'm gone.